I have found that I am a walking bag of contradictions, or at least so I am starting to realize. This is, of course, something that is somewhat difficult for me to deal with and something that I am finding is very frustrating to the people I love the most. So let me break this down a little for everyone so this makes a little more sense to you, and hopefully by the end of this post, to myself. I am going to break it down into little bullet points because that is basically how my brain works.
I want to be successful but also want to be care free
This one is something that I am sure most people out there can relate to. I really want to be successful in my life in the way that most people in our culture want to be. I want to have enough money that I can have the things I want (and also the things that my family want) but I also do not want to have to work at a place that I can’t stand working at. This seems to break down into a couple of problems for me. It is not that I don’t want to work hard, because I don’t really have a problem with that. It is more that I don’t want to feel like I am working hard. It’s a line that I am trying to find how to draw, but still haven’t quite worked out for myself. I am hoping that finding a career that allows me to be helpful but not overworked as well as feeling like I make a difference without feeling like I have to much responsibility…Oh wow that’s a crazy wish list right? Moving on…
I want to be social while not having to go out
This is something that I know drives people crazy about me. I have had a few friends who can’t quite hack being my friend because I tend to fall off a mountain every so often and close the world out. I want to be able to have friends that I can talk to frequently for a short period of time that also don’t mind when I need to disappear for a while. I have found at least one person like that in my life lately and have really come to appreciate him. I also, though, want to be able to find a social circle that I can pop in and out of, but again it is not something that I have quite figured out yet. I think that this one has to do with my extreme emotions and I am hoping that I can settle those down over the course of the next few months.
I want to be in control without having to plan
This one is the most difficult for me to reconcile. I can’t quite figure out how this one is supposed to actually work in my life. I want to be able to control the outcomes of things without actually thinking about how to get to those outcomes. As my parents used to say, I just want to skip to the end without actually going through the journey. This is…frustrating to say the least. I think about this like the social experiment of delayed gratification. Basically it boils down to getting one marshmallow now or two if you wait 10 minutes. I want both the marshmallow now and the two marshmallow’s in 10 minutes. This, though, is not how the world works. I know that the sooner I accept this,the better my long term success will be, but I am still a child at heart and I want to have my cake and eat it.
So as most of you could probably tell from the title of this, my thoughts tend to contradict my actions and it is very difficult for me to handle. This is impacting how I am trying to deal with my kids in a very profound way, though. My oldest, Mr. Goose, is seeming to run into similar problems in his life right now. He had to pick a science project today and decided on a surface value thing instead of digging at all. He rushed through the journey to get to the end result he wanted. Bubba is starting to do the same things, rushing through his homework to get to the fun of playing with toys. My goal is to set a better example for them by aligning my thinking with my actions to not only tell them the right thing but also showing them the right thing to do. Wish me luck everyone.
One liner of the day:
Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged…